Another phone call, another stream of consciousness.
One of my closest friends in the US called to catch up. Back of my head, I knew what the conversation would entail,
discussing life, career, health, partners, etc. But I wasn't ready for it.
These catch-up calls with my female friends were sort of my (I should say our) routine in the US, especially after lockdown. In the absence of family, your girlfriends are all you have!
So I planned that I would try to keep the conversation short, and not delve into details. But as soon as I saw her face on the video, it felt as if my brain immediately turned on a switch to act like my old self.
How can I have a timed call? It's her!
In the midst of our fun conversation, I started feeling the pressure to bring in other elements of my old self.
What if she thinks I am not serious about my life? Or that I am not funny anymore?
So, I bring in other dimensions - Mahima, the career woman - always with a plan. and Mahima, the funny one - always with a fun anecdote to share.
During my sabbatical I barely had any of these catch-up calls with anyone.
Now that I am back in the US and slowly getting back in touch with my old circle, I have mixed emotions before and after every call.
Mainly because I don't know what to say or act.
It might sound harsh but it's much easier for me to speak to my "new" friends in India since the version they know is who I am right now. So even if they don't know me very well, and our conversations don't last more than 15 minutes, it is still okay because I don't have to pretend.
About an hour into the call, I broke down, as if out of exhaustion and I said I can't do this. And shared with her how I actually felt.
Why was it that I couldn't be honest with her? Was I afraid that I would lose her as a friend? Or that she wouldn't accept me?
Is that why we maintain multiple versions of ourselves for everyone and not able to draw boundaries to protect our true selves?
Maybe it's my perceived pressure of life in America, where you ALWAYS need to have a plan.
Maybe because I assumed they were feeling sorry for me, and are downplaying their success as I am not "settled" yet and they all are.
May be I am again feeling behind, and find the need to explain myself.
Maybe it's because of all of the above and many other reasons.
What I can do from now on, is to try my best to be honest with at least the few people who I know genuinely care about me, and would understand my outlook on life.
and allow them to get to know the new me, and trust that they will like her too.
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