You are the company you keep. All of us have read it, we have received this advice from other people and have returned the favour umpteen times.
Being on a sabbatical and having the luxury of time made me appreciate the importance of setting firm boundaries. More importantly, taking account of the times I didn’t do it and the subsequent impact on my life.
Many times, when we are faced with an emotionally challenging phase, we limit the number of people we interact with. Once things are better, we enter back into society so seamlessly that no one even notices we were missing.
So, I adopted a similar strategy. It was something like creating a force field around me. But when things got better, the idea of going back to my normal social life was jittery.
I asked myself – would the people who care about me, expect me to prioritise them over me? The answer to that question was a big resounding NO. I immediately found myself at ease.
It occurred to me – let’s question everybody. Especially those, that I feel an inkling or obligation to get back in touch with. The interesting part was those folks didn’t need to be around for this exercise. As folks came to my mind, I tagged them with the first emotion I felt. It only took a couple of minutes, and I was able to create three lists — Positive, Toxic, Unimportant (lame? maybe, effective? definitely)
I had covered the folks on the “positive” list. Now, came the folks, that just exude negative energy. They reminded me of something I heard in a Robin Sharma podcast — energy vampires. People who suck the sheer life energy out of you, like a vampire sucks blood aka toxic people. We all know some of them, don’t we? People who have hurt us deeply but have somehow tricked us into a relationship, where we feel obligated to respond to them.
Every time, I shared with a loved one the pain I felt. The question/advice that followed was, “How can you let someone like that live rent-free in your mind?”
All of them entered my life at a point, where I was going through a phase of insecurity. So, by giving them my resources - my energy and my time, I was getting something vital (at the time) and fleeting - importance. Once they got their fill, I was left completely drained.
In my head, I was helping someone because no one helped me when I was in their position. There is nothing wrong with helping. But there is a difference between, using someone’s hand for help and stepping down on their shoulder to get ahead. Instead, what I should have asked myself was, whom am I trying to help? to what extent and at what expense?
Somewhere, I had forgotten that I was on a journey too. The path I forged with my own hands was to lead me to my own goals.
Every time, I reached a point of letting these people go, my ego would convince me otherwise. My inner narrative would go — “I am a strong person and avoiding them would mean I am weak”. It was especially hard because over the course of my lifetime, I have built a reputation of being bold and strong headed.
For such people, the only solution was to cut them off completely. I tried for years, to be mature and not let them affect me. I have consistently failed. So, I decided to be stubborn if not for me than for the inner child in me. I realized that I was so busy hating myself that I had stopped paying attention to what it was that made me like me. As I kept loving myself, these people started losing the power they once held on me.
I recognize it is not easy to remove certain people out of your life that easily. Sometimes they are from your inner circle of friends and family. People who have always supported you. But suddenly, things change. They start to disrespect you or expect you to change to suit their needs. But we are so used to seeking comfort in their company that we simply refuse to see the truth.
Here’s my take on it. While growing up (well into adulthood), we mistakenly associate who we are with our foundational relationships. It could be parents, siblings, best friends, or mentors. So, when people from your closest circle are no longer qualified to be part of your lives, we think our foundation is shaking. Yes, they significantly contributed to who we are now. They were the water to our roots, but they were never our roots. I have found very few examples of people who have learned to manage these hostile relationships or even realize they are part of one.
From what I have learned, the only viable solution for dealing with such individuals is to distance from them to the most extent you can. At least until you are strong enough to protect your inner energy. It will be hard and there will be consequences. But it is exactly what you need to do to save yourself.
Now comes the last category, “the others”. At some point in time, they had hurt me deeply. Sometimes it was their apathy and sometimes it was their pettiness. In the past, I let these things slide merely out of courtesy. But if I had decided to be picky, then I owed it to myself to keep any negative energy at bay even if it looked unreasonable.
When I decided to take these tough calls, I did something inadvertently that changed my entire process. From all the time and energy I claimed back from removing all of this negativity, I invested it in taking care of myself. I surrounded myself with very few people that insisted on prioritizing myself at all times.
After spending almost an year on cleansing the aura around me, I found myself around a new group of positive individuals. I looked back, to see if my theory on my “positive” list was correct. And so far, I am yet to be proved wrong. I realized the only reason I had the confidence of taking such drastic measures, was because I knew I always had them. It may not be through a weekly catchup over dinner, but a simple text to check up on me or a comment on my Instagram story. From my professional circle, it was sometimes an appreciative comment on my linkedIn post or a direct message. I pray and hope that the few bonds who have survived the test of COVID (pun intended), will continue to thrive for years to come.
So, my second lesson from my career break is - Choose your inner circle very wisely and become a lifelong auditor.
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