Going through any crises, whether its career, health or family is incredibly challenging. However, it gets even more complicated when the crisis is covered with multiple layers of glitter and tassels, making it harder to see the symptoms beneath the surface.
Since high school, I have been lucky to have found a deep interest in being healthy. Doing physical movement either through dance, strength training or yoga gave me immense joy. Eating healthy became an instant addiction.
In Amritsar, being a “health nut” wasn’t trendy then. I had to get comfortable being called by neighbors as the “girl who jogs” or teased by friends for ordering “low fat” choices. To be honest, I loved being healthy and didn’t mind the attention that came with it. During my undergrad years, I was my happiest self. I was too young to make the connection between my physical health, mental health and personal accomplishments.
So, when I moved to US, I was incredibly excited to be around “like minded health conscious people”. I would finally be able to get serious about fitness. I couldn’t wait to eat those kale salads and be accompanied by fellow runners on my morning run! Once I got there, the reality was different. Intense studying and job hunting had a direct impact on my unsupervised eating habits. My mind was refusing to get comfortable with being “chubby” (can’t use the F word). What happens when you don’t accept yourself? Immense self-hatred. All the accumulated good that came due to my ingrained healthy habits couldn’t compensate for the stressed eating spree that followed from a trigger event. My volatile eating habits were accompanied by my mood swings. I couldn’t make the connection between the two then.
But all wasn’t lost. Slowly after getting a job, I started focusing on my health. When I came back to my pre-grad-school weight, I was ecstatic. Although, I was far from being completely healthy. You see, the habits that I had built in America, were around exercising with the intention to lose weight, not to feel great. Eating to hit my daily goal of calories, not to feel energized. I couldn’t escape the unhealthy American eating habits completely. It took me time and the right circumstances, to reach a healthy routine. To a place when I was excited and looking forward to my giant lunch salad, and yoga classes in the evening. Occasionally, I had my mood swings. But for the first time, in 6 years, I admitted, I needed to focus on feeling better. So somewhere I made the connection between body and mind. But I didn’t realize the extent of my loss.
During all these years, I tried to give my best at work. Somewhere, overcompensating for not feeling 100%, and getting used to the "high" from achieving credibility at work. Travel and hiking were my newfound escape. Dancing and strength training were my fuel in college. As an adult, I found an immense appetite for travelling and hiking anywhere I could.
Essentially, I found a system, that helped me survive but not thrive. I had all sorts of questions swirling in my head - “is this it?” “Is this why I came here?”
While I was struggling with these questions, COVID came along and without mincing words, shit hit the fan. I lost at least 10 pounds in a matter of 3 months along with tremendous hair loss. I was tired all the time. I remember visiting friends over July 4th weekend, and as soon as they saw me. They were like, “what happened? This is not good”. I ignored their observation.
Quickly after, I received a promotion at work. I was on cloud nine. The dopamine release lasted a few days but didn’t sustain. Having a few years of experience, gave me strong ethics to stay disciplined and enough practice to be on auto pilot, so no one noticed anything different. Every time I felt “not okay”, I managed to pretend that it is only because of working too much. Not because of bad diet, not working out enough and not feeling calm. I knew I needed a break, but I pushed citing bad timing. Until it became impossible to ignore.
I was lucky to be around family this time. So, I flew to India. On recommendation, I got my vitals checked and got a personal trainer. A shocking revelation came – I had low levels of B12, Vitamin D3 and Iron. First two, impacting mood, appetite and energy. Iron, causing anemia, fatigue among other things. I was surprised, because I got my physical done every year, so why was it never a concern. Well, during 2020, the labs were closed, so my blood test couldn’t be done. Also, my (and generally all) insurance policies didn’t cover vitamin D3 in annual physical. So primarily, not eating enough led to low levels of B12, and staying inside, led to low levels of D3. I googled if this was common, and guess what, it was! Especially doing COVID when we were locked up inside. I had the biggest “duh” moment of my life. I was screaming – “Seriously?”
Next, was physical strength. My gym trainer took a quick glance and told me I had no muscle, and my posture was terrible. I started working out almost every day. Within a month, I was taller (that’s right!). My spine from a “C”, was now upright.
I needed something more. I decided to get my yoga certification. I was extremely lucky to find an amazing guru, who I instantly connected with. To my surprise, my discoveries, were not just “Asanas”, but “Pranayama” (or breathing practices) and yogic philosophy, which deserves a post of its own. Briefly, Pranayama taught me how powerful our breath is, and yogic philosophy, brought me closer to spirituality, something I had long ignored.
At the end, all I needed to do was - eat, move and breath.
So, here’s my lesson:
Respect your body and mind. Listen to it. We abuse it most of our lives, yet it fights to keep us alive and take on life’s challenges. The least we can do, is to take care of this vessel that we have been lucky to be born in.
Near Magnetic Hill, Ladakh
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