A strange thing happens when you leave "studenthood" and enter adulthood.
Every layer of protection that comes with being on campus is stripped away, and suddenly you are exposed to everyone's judgment. It is particularly difficult in Indian culture, where we grow up aiming for comparative success over individual growth.
As soon as I started working and found my own voice, I became “too much” in every sense—too independent, too simple, too fat, too thin.
This constant judgment led me to see my growth as mere luck, making me apologize for the qualities that made me stand out. Making me shrink myself and blur boundaries. This was hashtag#gaslighting, at least one form of it.
In hindsight, there were three reasons that made me vulnerable:
-Constant need for external validation
-Attachment to people, ideas, and goals
Next is something I discovered today while chatting with a friend,
-Become obliging and diffident, out of fear of being disrespectful and arrogant
When I stepped away from all things material. I was another "too" - too different. Quickly labeled "awara" (vagabond but with a negative connotation. Only if they knew I will take this label to heart)
Then I came back to the workforce. Now, I had again somehow ruffled some feathers, because I could no longer be brushed off as one who couldn't "make it".
I had seriously contemplated, leaving everything again. I wondered, what if I remove myself from the equation again? Being a weirdo, or even disappearing, felt better than being a failure.
Until, I took a step back again, and realized that this is nothing new. I have always been, and will always be a nuisance. The difference is when I was younger, I was blissfully unaware of it. As I got older, things got trickier.
I don't think I can completely overcome my vulnerabilities in one swift move. It will have to be a daily reminder to not fall for those ingrained mental traps. I want to remind myself every day,
-To not look for external validation
-To learn to let go and move on as soon anything becomes toxic.
-To not be apologetic for having self confidence
Somedays I wonder,
"Gosh, I lost so much time! Only if I knew"
But if I had not made the mistakes I did, would I be in the mindset I am in today? There is no guarantee that if I had taken all the right turns, I wouldn't have failed in anything else.
One regret I do have is assuming that inaction will somehow pause time. Later, I used self-hatred as my chosen form of punishment. Those are the only mistakes I never want to repeat. The rest I take as life lessons. Things I wouldn't have learnt otherwise.
PS: I once told a friend, "If I can't find a job, I will move to Ladakh, teach maths and yoga, and work as a barista. After all what could be better than living in the mountains, where you also get to solve math problems, brew coffee and practice yoga every day!"
I haven't told anyone, but that's still my plan.
📍Nubra Valley, Ladakh
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